Local Jokes - it's joke time!

Love Story - Sungha Jung

2012-02-06T19:20:00.002+08:00

Funny Muay Thai

2012-01-08T19:12:00.000+08:00

The most intense taekwondo fight ever

2011-12-31T17:50:00.000+08:00

Thrillicious: 2008 SoBe Life Water Super Bowl Ad

2011-12-12T17:06:00.002+08:00

Evian Roller Babies

2011-12-07T16:49:00.002+08:00

Pepsi Commercial

2011-11-27T20:06:00.000+08:00

No Arms, No Legs, No Worries..

2011-11-09T12:22:00.000+08:00

The Real Gym

2011-09-29T19:02:00.000+08:00

Best Street Drummer Ever

2011-09-06T22:31:00.002+08:00

Batangenyong Kuting!

2011-08-23T09:57:00.000+08:00

Manny Pacquiao: The Beginning

2011-08-07T18:01:00.000+08:00

How to Draw Porn Into Something Funny

2011-08-01T21:12:00.000+08:00

Rowan Atkinson - Invinsible Drum Kit

2011-07-17T21:20:00.000+08:00

Mouth Guitar

2011-06-10T11:05:00.000+08:00

Amazing Motor Man

2011-05-27T20:21:00.002+08:00

Twin Boys Conversation

2011-05-02T15:33:00.000+08:00

Table Tennis Spectacular

2011-04-12T15:48:00.000+08:00

Grandpa Fighting!

2011-04-02T19:51:00.000+08:00

Funny TV Bloopers and Commercials

2011-03-31T20:25:00.000+08:00

Waka-waka Baby Dancing

2011-03-26T22:04:00.002+08:00

Colombia: epic fail militare

2011-03-10T14:39:00.000+08:00

Marlboro Transformer II

2011-02-01T13:25:00.002+08:00

Funny Videos/ Creative Ads Collection Part 4

2010-12-09T18:06:00.002+08:00

Magic Incredible Transformation.Grand Prize Winner Act.

2010-10-19T09:42:00.000+08:00

16 Girls + 1 Bicycle = Awesome

2010-10-18T15:28:00.000+08:00

The Complains of A Penis

2010-10-08T17:09:00.000+08:00

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I am willing to work any shift.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace

carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Oprah I got a feeling Dance

2010-09-28T13:34:00.000+08:00

Super Mario

2010-09-26T20:34:00.000+08:00

Bohemian Rhapsody - for solo guitar

2010-09-13T18:35:00.000+08:00

Jokeness 4

2010-09-01T21:12:00.000+08:00

galing sa party ang dalawang magsing irog..
namasyal pa cla pra mkapag sarili clang dalawa sa madilim na park..

lalaki: tara dun tau sa may mdaming puno..

babae: ha! madilim dun e..

lalaki: Trust me!!!

lalaki: dun p tau sa mas madilim..

babae: ha! ang layo dun at ang dilim..

lalaki: Trust me!!

lalaki: ayos d2..(nag hubad ng pantalon ung lalaki at brief)

babae: bkit k nghuhubad?

lalaki: Trust me!!!

babae: cge,,mag huhubad n din aq!!!!

lalaki: Bakit TATAE ka rin ba?

========================================

miss.: doc nilalagnat ako 4 na araw na po

doc: o sige tumuwad ka dyan sa may kama para macheck natin ng thermometer ang
temperatura mo

miss: (tumuwad) doc ano po kaya ang sakit ko

doc: tignan natin ilalagay ko muna yung thermometer sa pwet mo medyo masakit to

miss: aray doc hindi yan ang butas ng pwet ko ibang butas yan

doc: wag ka magalala hindi din naman thermometer yung ipinasok ko

========================================

Parrot sa dumadaang lalake: Panget! Panget!

Guy: Pag sinabi mo pa ulit yan sakin, papatayin na
kita!

Nextday....

Parrot: pssst........

Guy: bakit?

Parrot: alam mo na....

========================================

Nung bata ako, tuwing may kasal lagi ako tinutukso nila lolo't lola "uuy, sya na susunod...." Tumigil lang sila nung may ililibing at tnukso ko sila ng , "uuy, sila na
susunod"

========================================

Doc: Bukod sakin me nauna ka bang kinunsulta sa sakit mo?

Patient: Sa albularyo ho.

Doc: Anong katarantaduhan ang ipinayo sayo?

Patient: Punta daw ako sa inyo.

========================================

Loi: "May mga friends ako nagpa-enhance ng ****. Ok lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?

Erap: "Ewan ko, paranghindi yata bagay sayo ang tatlong ****."

========================================

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

========================================

ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!!

========================================

Honeymoon..
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

========================================

NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porke bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

========================================

TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.

========================================

DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka

========================================

BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?

========================================

Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.

========================================

ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!

Jokeness 3

2010-08-24T16:34:00.000+08:00

Juan: bday ng asawa ko.
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.

========================================

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko.
Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa
akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi
na.

========================================

Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano : Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano : Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

========================================

Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
Junior: Ok nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER BAG ko

========================================

Obstetrician Clinic Sa Obstetrician Clinic:

Doc: Hubad na Iha. Huwag kang magalala. I won't take advantage of you.

Girl: Doc: Saan ko po ilalagay ang aking panty at bra ko?

Doc: Diyan lang sa tabi ng brief ko.

========================================

*3 Words*

Boy: Please whisper those three little words that will make me on fire...

Girl: Go To Hell!!!

========================================

Nanay: Hala sige! Layas! Huwag ka na bumalik dito sa bahay... Mula ngayon, huwag mo na ako tatawaging Nanay, at hindi na rin kita tatawaging anak! Naiintindihan mo?!

Anak: Sige, friend! Alis na ako!.. =)

========================================

a girL started t0 Lo0k at her pussy.. then she c0uLd n0 Longer c0ntroL herseLf & started t0uchin' it... at 0ne p0int, she went mad & rubbed it s0 hard! that the pussy said...

"..ME0W..!" & ran away... Ü

========================================

Sa mall...

Mom:Anak wag ka bibitaw sa palda ko pRa d ka mawala.

Anakpo!

...2 hrs later...

Mom:Mamang sikyo my nkta ba kaung batang may dalang palda?

========================================

ngo-ngo : ma mayad ho!

ngo-ngo : ma! mayad na habi oh!

pasahero : ma! bayad daw, purkit may kapansanan ang tao di mu na pinapansin

(tumingin ang driver...)

driver : ngala ngo ngahi nginangaya nya aho...

========================================

Mag syota...

Boy: ALAM NYO...!

Girl: ALAM NYO DIN..!

Boy: ALAAAAAM NYOOOOOO......

Girl: ALAAAAAAM NYOOOOOO DIIIIIIIIN....

========================================

Mag syotang ngo-ngo....nag sasabihan nang I LOVE YOU.....

the gf texted her bf

"mahal, punta k s bahay, walang tao.''

nagmamadaling umalis ang bf..

pagdating s bahay ng gf..

kat0k cia ng katok.

wla ngang tao..
.wahaha.. .

Jokeness 2

2010-08-17T10:40:00.000+08:00

FACT: did you know that those people who laugh with "hehe" loves sex and people who laugh with "haha" are intelligent?

...wala lang, just to let you know. hehe...

Ay, haha pala!

========================================

A chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar...

Spielberg hit the chinese...

Chinese: why you hit me?

Spielberg: coz you bombed Pearl Harbor, my father died there.

Chinese: but I am chinese not Japanese, stupid!

Spielberg: Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese... all the same!

... chinese punched Spielberg

Spielberg: why you hit me too?

Chinese: Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.

Spielberg: but the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you fool!

Chinese: Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!!

========================================

Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:

AMPALAYA, pampapula ng dugo KALABASA pampalinaw ng mata TALONG pampatirik ng mata MANI pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

========================================

Wife: Dear, ano rego amo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?

Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...

Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?

Husband: Susunduin na kita!

========================================

NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di
mo kayang bilangin?

ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi
narinig ko minsan sabi, "tama na inday,
hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko."

========================================

Dalawang probinsyano sumakay sa elevator
Gorio: magkano ibabayad natin?
Andoy: tanga! inosente! bugok! stupid! bat ka magbabayad eh wala pa tayong tiket!

========================================

Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!

Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?

Mister: nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!

========================================

Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?

Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!

Pedro: Nagseselos ka?

Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!

========================================

Kapag may kaaway ka,

tandaan mo...

dito lang ako...

dito lang talaga ako...

tapos dyan ka lang,

wag kang pupunta dito!

baka madamay ako!

========================================

4 kinds of "Utot"

1. Long but Harmless

2. Loud and Proud

3. Silent but Violent

4. Wet and Wild

========================================

Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?

Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell... saan ka ji-jingle?

Aber?

Saan??

Sumagot kaaaa!!!

SaaaAANNNNNNN ?!?!?!

========================================

Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?

========================================

Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?
Pare 1: OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!

Jokeness

2010-08-08T20:34:00.001+08:00

Pare1: Pare pa kiss naman.

Pare2: uL0l!

Pare1: Sige na Kiss lang naman ehh...

Pare2: San Ba Kasi

========================================

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba , oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!

========================================

SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa. ..
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.

========================================

PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

========================================

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

========================================

MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila....hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

========================================

3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na ** kama **
TANGA1: Pare , di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa , sa lapag na lang matulog.
(Bumaba si engot 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan , pare maluwag na , akyat kana dito!

======================================

makabagong kasabihan ng mga bakla
"MAKABAGONG KASABIHAN NG MGA BAKLA"
"aanhin mo pa ang gwapo kung mas malandi pa sa iyo'

========================================

"walng matinong lalaki, sa malanding kumpare"

" wala ng hihigit pa sa malansang isda, kundi ang isang baklang balahura"

"sa hinaba haba ng prusisyon, bading din pala ang iyong karelasyon"

"ang tumatakbo ng matulin, may gwapong hahabulin"

"matalino man ang bading, na peperahan rin"

========================================

Anak: nay bilhan m0 ako ng laruang sasakyan ha.
Nanay: aba! Di kana nag lalaro ng barbie anak? Lalaki kana siguro.
Anak: hindi nay. D0n ko kasi isasakay mga barbie dolls ko.

========================================

Tatay anak,bket ganyn mukha mu
Anakc tay,pinattawg kau ng principal namin
TATAY:Baket nMn
Anakc ty nkipagaway aq
TATAy:aus lng ank,d kita ppaglitan,npa2nyan mu ng lalake k,ank tlga kita
Anak:pero tay,
Tatay:aus lng anak,nga pla,cnu nkaaway mu
Anak:c Marie,
Tatay:ui ang anak q,my love quarel
Anak:ndi gnun tay,sv kc nya,boyfriend nya ang boyfriend q

========================================

Woman: Ano bang nangyari ba’t ka nanginginig sa takot?
Man: Nakita ko kasi asawa ko sa labas ng motel?
Woman: Wala naman yatang kasama?
Man: Siya walang kasama. E ako meron!

========================================

Ano Password Mo?
Nag-uusap tungkol sa password si Erap at Ramos…
Ramos: Anong password mo sa Facebook?
Erap: goofymickeymousedonaldduck
Ramos: Bat ang haba naman?!
Erap: Mahaba? Kulang pa nga yan e! Sabi nga nila at least 4 characters e!

========================================

Wag mo ibenta!
Ama: May taning na buhay ko. Pag ako’y namatay wag mo ibenta yung lupa sa likod ng bahay…
Anak: Din naman atin yun Ama…
Ama: Kaya nga wag mo ibenta dahil hindi atin yun!!!

========================================

Hindi nahirapan!

Si Pedro at Juan pagkatapos ng pagsusulit:

Juan: Perdo, nahirapan ka ba sa questions sa pagsusulit natin?

Pedro: Hindi!

Juan: Ang galing mo naman!

Pedro: Nahirapan ako sa answers!

========================================

Ang Hula!
Manghuhula: Magiging mapalad ka sa larangan ng sex!
Juan: Talaga?! Marami akong makakatalik?!
Manghuhula: Hindi, puro palad mo lang.

========================================

Natira ko na nanay mo!!!
May dalawang lalaki sa isang bar, nag-iinuman.
Lalaki 1: Hoy! Natira ko na nanay mo!!!
Hindi kumibo si Lalaki 2.
Lalaki 1: Hoy! Hindi mo ba ako narinig? Sabi ko, natira ko na nanay mo!
Lalaki 2: Lasing ka na. Umuwi na tayo tay.

Janitor

2010-08-03T21:16:00.000+08:00

Nagtatrabaho ako bilang janitor sa isang malaking mall sa Quezon City. Nightshift. Masaya ako sa trabaho ko
bukod sa sarado na ang mall at tahimik na ang kapaligiran. Payapa sa pakiramdam. Ngunit nagbago lahat ng pananaw ko pagkatapos ng hindi ko malilimutang gabing un.

9:30 pm nakalimutan ko ung date. Pasara na yung mall. Magdamagang trabaho nanaman. Linis dito. Linis doon. Malapit sa sinehan ang lugar na nililinis ko. Labasan na ng mga tao. Badtrip tinatapakan nila yung mina mop ko. Huminto muna ako sandali at hinayaang dumaan ang mga tao. Nakinig ako sa mga tao na nag uusap.

"Ganda ng iron man 2 no? astig ung effects!" sabi nung isang lalaki sa kasama nyang babae.
"Alam mo ba na para kang ARC REACTOR" dugtong nya.
"bakit??" tanong nung babae.
"Dahil hindi ko kayang mabuhay pag wala ka" sagot ng lalaki.

humagikgik ang babae. napakamot nalang ako sa ulo.

Madaming tao. patok ang palabas.

Lumipas ang ilang minuto nanumbalik ang katahimikan.

Huhuhuhuhu...

Me narinig akong umiiyak mula sa hindi kalayuan. Nakaramdam ako ng kaba. Ganto eksena sa mga horror movies. Dahan dahan kong pinuntahan ang pinang gagalingan ng iyak. Habang pinapawisan ako sa kaba.Langyang rexona nde nmn pla gumagana kaya pati kili-kili ko basang basa. Nakita ko ang bata. Nakatalikod habang nakaupo. Umiiyak.

Bata. Asan ang mga magulang mo? iyak lang ang isinagot nya. Halika dito. Lumapit ka. Dadalhin kita sa Guard. Baka andun na mga magulang mo. Hindi na kasi sila makakapasok dito.

Humarap ang bata.

Napabuntong hininga ako. Hay. nawala ang kaba ko. Napaka amo ng mukha nya. Me halong takot at lungkot. Nais na siguro nyang makita ang mga magulang nya.

itim ang kanyang buhok. medyo kulot. maamo ang kanyang mata. nakasuot siya ng pink na damit na tweety bird ang design. Masakit sa mata ang kulay.

Dahandahan siyang lumapit sakin. Bakas ang alinlangan sa kanyang mga mata.

"Huwag kang matakot sakin. Mabait ako. tutulungan kita." sabi ko.

"Kuya nawawala po Ako.." sabi ng bata. nagsalita narin cya sa wakas.

"Oo alam ko nawawala ka kaya nga andito ako. tutulungan kita" sagot ko.

"Kuya Nawawala Po Ako"

At biglang nawala ang bata sa paningin ko. nawala ng parang bula. Kasabay nun. Nawalan ako ng malay.

Kinabukasan tinanggal ako sa trabaho. Natutulog daw ako habang naka duty.

Grandma goes to court

2010-07-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do . I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Para sa mga Taga-Batangas 2

2010-07-19T17:10:00.000+08:00

Babala: isang kuwento na tanging tunay na Batangueno laang ang
makakaintindi....

Dine sa Tuklong ay may puno ng otaw na arogang-aroga pa ng Mamay.
Sadyang pinapugadan sa hantik na guyam at pinabantayan sa bilot.
Naulutang ngatain ng Mamay ang bubot na parang sinturis. Pasal na
pasal. Nang bigla na lang siyang napaumis, humirindat at tuluyan ng
nabang-aw. Bigla na lang nagpatikar, lumiban ng karsada kahit
umaambon naglulupagi sa gabokan kaya puro libag, tubal na tubal,
talipa ang sipit at gura.

Napadpad ang Mamay sa masukal na balinghuyan at doon naulutang
gamitin ang kawot para garutihin ang mga bangkalang. Pero liyo at
parang barik na barik pa rin ang Mamay kaya naghamon pa ng panumbi.
Wala namang kumana kaya pagerper na lang ang napagdiskitahan.
Pagkatapos ng barokbokan, lungkuyin at hapong-hapo ang Mamay.

Naging matalute ang usapan sa bayaran dahil mulay lang gustong ibayad ng
Mamay. Nagkaribok na, nagwasang ang pagerper at tinangkab ang Mamay.
Nagligalig ang Mamay dahil sa marami daw kato, amoy hawot at makati
pa sa iladong tulingan. Dapat kitse lang daw ang bayad. Sa pagkabanas
ay napaingles ang Mamay "I'm entitled for senior citizen discount".
Wala kang galang sa matanda, dapat kang ipabarangay. Siguro hindi ka
taga_Batangas ano? Naglabas na ng balisong ang Mamay.
Oops...... Awat na.

Local Jokes 9

2010-07-12T21:10:00.000+08:00

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang…
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

---------------------------------------------------

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
‘Ikaw ba ‘yan, Dado?’ usisa ni Rodel.
‘Oo naman!’ tugon ni Dado.
‘Parang hindi totoo!’ bulalas ni Rodel. ‘O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?’
Sagot ni Dado, ‘May maganda at masama akong balita sa ‘yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon.
Ang masama… kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!’

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Different prayers of single women…
At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN.
At Age 18: Lord, give me a cute MAN.
At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN.
At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN.
At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN.
At Age 50: Lord, give me sinoMAN.
At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN.
At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN.
At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang.

---------------------------------------------------

Misis: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti
pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na ‘to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa ‘yo!

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Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa…
ADVANTAGE: ‘Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: ‘Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

---------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

---------------------------------------------------

Do you know INNER ROW?
What is INNER ROW?
Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow….

---------------------------------------------------

Sa isang classroom…
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

---------------------------------------------------

Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma’am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: ‘Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!

---------------------------------------------------

Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may
katalik na lalaki sa kama .
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino ‘yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!

---------------------------------------------------

Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?
Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami! Twiiiiiiiiins!

---------------------------------------------------

Street Vendor : “bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!”

---------------------------------------------------

GF: hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
BF: ano? isa lang ah?!
GF : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

---------------------------------------------------

Couple Talking:
Wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
Husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
W : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
H : hello!? karpintero ba ako? umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. Tinanong niya wife niya kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
W: kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake…
H : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
W : hello?! baker ba ako?!

---------------------------------------------------

Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano ‘yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

“Hindi ko pa naranasan magmahal kahit minsan…” -Fishball (P.50 pa rin)

-------------------------------------------------------

“No matter how strong WE HOLD ON, still there comes a time that suddenly WE FALL… -Butiki (nag-emote)

-------------------------------------------------------

May 3 guys na nagkasala sa kanilang tribo.
Lider: magdala kayo ng 10 prutas na magkakapareho.
Unang dumating c Juan na may dalang 10 santol,
Lider: Ipasok sa kanilang puwet at kung sino ang umaray o tumawa, Patayin.
Unang Santol pa lang, umaray na si Juan, Patay! Sumunod si Pedro na may dalang 10 ubas. Kung kelan pangsampu na, saka pa tumawa. Patay!
Nagkita si Juan at Pedro sa langit.
Juan: Ligtas ka na sana sa pangsampu, bakit ka pa tumawa?
Pedro: Kasi nakita ko si berto, may dalanag 10 Durian!

-------------------------------------------------------

A father was trying to teach his son about the evils of alcohol.
He placed one worm in a glass of water and another, in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
Father: Alright son, what have you learned from the show?
Son: Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol hindi ka magkakabulate.

-------------------------------------------------------

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano ng walang Parachute!
Juan: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan?
Pedro: Sa burol nya!

-------------------------------------------------------

Adik: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi-gabi. Kasi lagi raw ako nanonood nang basketball.
Doc: Sige, halika may gamot ako diyan.
Adik: Huwag muna doc. Championship game na mamaya eh…

-------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Juan, give me a color that starts with letter “M” except maroon.
Juan: Hmmmmm… Maitim! Madilaw! Mamink-mink! Mukhang berde! Medyo asul!
Teacher: ****!

Watch this galing promise...

2010-06-22T21:26:00.001+08:00

Little Michael Jackson

2010-06-16T12:07:00.001+08:00

ABDC Quest Crew Piano Dance

2010-06-08T13:46:00.001+08:00

Techno Chicken

2010-05-18T21:43:00.002+08:00

Talentadong Pinoy - Beatbox Gor 5/09/10

2010-05-12T11:12:00.002+08:00

Sex Maniac

2010-05-10T21:54:00.003+08:00

Amazing Sport Stacking Records

2010-05-10T21:50:00.001+08:00

See Who Can Do This

2010-04-29T17:45:00.001+08:00

Please look at the math below (Only people with an IQ with 130 and over are able to figure this out):

If:
2 + 3 = 10
7 + 2 = 63
6 + 5 = 66
8 + 4 = 96

Then:
9 + 7 = ????

Kseniya Simonova's Amazing Sand Drawing

2010-04-27T17:15:00.000+08:00

PILIPINAS GOT TALENT- BIG MOUTH (BM)

2010-03-30T09:16:00.002+08:00

Bill Gates needs a new chairman..

2010-02-26T21:07:00.002+08:00

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate was Mario, a Filipino

Bill Gates: "Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave."

2,000 people left the room.

MARIO said to himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try."

Bill Gates: "Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave."

2,000 people left the room.

Mario said to himself, "I never managed anybody but myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stayed.

Bill Gates: "Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave."

500 people left the room.

Mario said to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stayed in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo- Croat to leave.

498 people left the room.

Mario says to himself, "I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?"

So he stayed and found himself with one other candidate. Everyone else had gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you two are the only candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you converse in that language."

Calmly, Mario turned to the other candidate and said,
"Kumusta ka, pare ko."

The other candidate answered, "Mabuti naman, Ikaw?"

Ferrari vs. Kia

2010-02-26T21:04:00.003+08:00

Team Ferrari

Team Kia

Louisiana Law

2010-02-26T21:02:00.001+08:00

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Robot Dance

2010-02-12T21:38:00.002+08:00

Robot Dancing Bodybuilder

2010-02-12T21:35:00.002+08:00

Fastest Dress Change

2010-02-02T09:27:00.000+08:00

Why did the chicken cross the road????

2009-12-15T21:54:00.001+08:00

1. Former President Joseph Estrada: “Binantaan ko ang manok — kapag hindi kayo nagkaisa ng iyong mga sisiw sa pagtawid... ako na mismo ang tatawid at iiwan ko kayo sa kabilang side ng kalsada.”

2. Senator Manuel Villar: “What road? C-5 or Carlos P. Garcia Avenue?”

3. Senator Panfilo Lacson: “I absolutely had nothing to do with it. My conscience is clear.”

4. Senator Manuel Villar 2: “Anong chicken?! Itik yon!”

5. Vice President Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka lilipad pa kung kaya namang maglakad na?

6. Congressman Jose De Venecia: “I will not testify even if the Senate conducts a probe on that matter. I’ve already corroborated the statement of my son who saw the chicken when it crossed the road.”

7. Senator Mar Roxas: “Pu*ang inaaaaaa! Ano bang tanong yan?! Paanong di maglalakad yon eh hindi naman siya marunong sumakay sa padyak?!”

8. First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “I don’t care about the chicken. I am more concerned about the road. I think it needs repair. When is the bidding?”

9. Bayan Muna congressman Satur Ocampo: “Bilang protesta sa pang-aabuso sa karapatang pang-hayop ng mga multinasyonal at dayuhang korporasyong katulad ng KFC, Texas Chicken, Kenny Rogers, at McDonald’s.”

10. Broadcaster Ted Failon: “The chicken was having some problems. It tried to commit suicide by crossing that very dangerous road.”

11. Quezon City Police Officer: “We’re not sure yet if it crossed the road or not. The path where it allegedly crossed was apparently cleaned up, thereby contaminating the evidence.”

12. ABS-CBN: “Let us respect the privacy of the chicken.”

13. Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez: “That chicken is crazy!”

14. Senator Richard Gordon: “I was able to talk to someone from the other side of the road and he confirmed that they’re holding the chicken hostage. There’s proof of life.”

15: Defense Secretary Gilbert Teodoro: “The good senator is endangering the life of the chicken. He should let the task force do the talking.”

16. Brother Eddie Villanueva: “Jeremiah Chapter 9, Verse 10: I will weep for the mountains and wail for the desert pastures. For they are desolate and empty of life; the lowing of cattle is heard no more; the birds and wild animals all have fled.”

17. HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao: “You’re a nation of chickens!”

18. Public Attorney’s Office chief Persida Rueda-Acosta: “Why not? It has served its minimum sentence. Allow it to walk free!”

19: Subic rape victim Suzette “Nicole” Nicolas: “To marry!”

20. Alabang Boys: “To parteE!”

21: Pampanga Governor Ed Panlilio: “To quarry!”

22. DoJ State Prosecutor John Resado: “I will answer that question if you deposit 1.6 million pesos to my BDO account.”

23. Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo: “Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! Fashion designer ako, hindi sabungero! At yang put*ng-inang manok na yan walang kuwentang hayop!”

24. Pambansang kamao Manny Pacquiao: “ABS-CBN lawyers made the chicken do it, you know.”

25. Actress Annabelle Rama: “Ang kapal ng mukha ng manok na yan. Matapos kong bigyan ng patuka, siniraan pa ako sa mga alaga kong sisiw! Idedemanda ko siya! At sasampal-sampalin ko pa pag nakita ko! Sinimulan n’ya yan... tatapusin ko!”

26. TV executive Wilma Galvante: “I helped the chicken cross the road, yes, but I categorically deny asking for eggs in return. Hindi kami nasusuhulan dito.”

27. Dr. Hayden Kho: “I am not exactly sure why, but I do have proof that the chicken crossed the road. I videotaped it secretly.”

28. Dr. Vicki Belo: “I told the chicken: If you want to look like Piolo Pascual or Dingdong Dantes, stay with Belo. But if you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to the other side of the road.”

29. Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko... nararamdaman ko... gaganda ang buhay ng chicken this year. Mangingitlog pa siya nang marami.”

30. Imelda Marcos: I told my beloved husband to asphalt the road during our time.

31. Kris Aquino: That chicken is getting on my nerves na. Kaka-inis! It's blocking my SUV on the way to ABS. Na-angry tuloy si Josh. What's the deal ba with you, chicken?

32. Piolo Pascual: Unless Kenny Rogers Roasters, I typically don't like chicks.

33. Bayani Fernando: yan ayung nakawala nung inaalis namin ang mga illegal chicken vendors dyan sa EDSA

34. Cherie Gil: Coz its running away from a second rate trying hard copycat

35. Mayor Rodrigo Duterte: binabalaan kita. P&t@ng In#! pag-tumawid ka at may dala kang droga. iihawin kita!

36. Speaker Prospero Nograles: its preposterous, it will first pass through as a House Resolution, you know if its the will of the majority then the chicken will cross the road.

37. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Why are we even having a talk about a stupid chicken? That chicken is dull, anserine, foolish, cretin, ignoramus, imbecile, simpleton, or otherwise known as stupid. Because it can't engage in a colloquy with more intelligent chickens. I eat chicken feet for breakfast. HAHAHA! I actually love the chicken. I lied!

38. Abu Parad, Abu Sayaff commander: Nasa amin na ang manok. hostage na namin!

------------------------ Posts Auto Merged------------------------

PART 2

1. Kuya Kim Atienza: Alam n'yo ba na ang chicken ay may dalawang paa? Alam n'yo ba na kahit umu-ulan ng malakas ay hindi n'ya kayang lumipad ng mataas? Kaya tumawid na lamang ang chicken dahil alam niya ang buhay ng ibon ay weather-weather lang.

2. Melanie Marquez: Because it has long legged and... (telephone rings) wait somebodys in the phone… Hello? For a while. Please hang yourself.

3. Boy Abunda: Ang saloobin ng manok sa buong kaganapan ibubulgar mamaya live sa Da Buzz!!

4. Bong Revilla: Dahil siya'y anak ng teteng

5. Nora Aunor: Walang himala! my chicken is not a pig!!!

6. Robert Jaworski: Chito, this is you, Rudy, this is you, Dondon, this is you. guys pagtawid ng chicken pasa agad sa kanya ang bola.

7. Mike Enriquez: Alamin natin ang dahilan ng pagtawid mula sa ating Saksi! Pasok!

8. Gus Abelgas: Sa puntong ito tumawid na ang manok sa lansangan batay na rin sa resulta ng forensic examination na ginawa ng QCPD SOCO.

9. Lolit Solis: Teka, babati muna ako. Hello kay Dr. Vicky Belo, kay Ditas Magno, kay Papa Jesse Ejercito, kay Senator Manny Villar, kay Ronnie Carrasco, kay Gorgy Rula, kay Cong. Jules Ledesma at saka kay... (Commercial break)

10. Manoling Morato: You know maggie, ngayon eto, more than P300-million ang jackpot prize ng 6/45 lotto draw natin, ayan pati manok tatawid lang ng calzada para lang pumila sa ating lotto outlets.

11. Chiz Escudero : Upang makita niya ang tunay na kahalgahan ng pagtitimbang sa pagitan ng dalawang anggulo. Ito ay malinaw na pag papakita na ang mundo ay ginawa hindi lamang para sa isang panig kung hindi para sa nakararami. Masasabing matalino ang manok na ito dahil napagtanto niya ang balanseng pananaw sa mga isyu sa panahon ngayon. (nose bleed)

12. Manolo Quezon: now why did the chicken cross the road? the answer lies in our history, lets look back in 1904 when the Americans came and introduced a new road system to the philippines.

13. President Marcos: In the interest of national security and public order i hereby sign Presidential Decree 1083 authorizing chickens to cross the street.

14. President Cory Aquino:''If only Ninoy were alive today, he would be able to explain why."

15. President Fidel Ramos: "Yes the chicken can, Philippines 2000."

16: President GMA: This administration has put in place the infrastructure which has enabled the chicken to cross our road network in record time.

17. Angelina: because he's such a loser yaya!!! Yaya: ay tumegil ka nga dyan!!

18. Senator Ping Lacson: I have asked a foreign group to authenticate the taxonomic classification and exact specie of that animal which we all know had crossed the road. No doubt, it was indeed a chicken and I will prove it beyond any doubt in due time.

19. Agriculture Secretary Arthur Yap: Our department has a pending investigation as to how that chicken escaped and from what poultry farm it came, but rest assured that its alleged escape or crossing that road will not affect the production or supply of eggs nationwide and prices will
remain stable.

20. Health Secretary Francisco Duque: It's not true the rumors that the alleged chicken crossed the road because it was sick with the bird flu, so it will not endanger public health. Let us continue to eat Philippine chickens!

21. AFP chief of staff General Yano: Our forces are prepared for any eventuality that the chicken might cross the road again.

Why bicycles are better than Women...

2009-12-15T21:51:00.002+08:00

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

The difference between "To be Used" and "To be Loved"

2009-12-15T21:43:00.002+08:00

USED vs. LOVED

While a man was polishing his new car,
his 4 yr old son picked up a stone
and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand
and hit it many times not realizing
he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers
due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father.....
with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'
The man was so hurt and speechless;
he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions..... .
sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches;
the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

Anger and Love have no limits;
choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely
life & remember this:
Things are to be used and people are to be loved.
The problem in today's world is
that people are used while things are loved.

Let's try always to keep this thought in mind:
Things are to be used,
People are to be loved.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character;
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a sweet person forwarded this to me as a reminder...
I hope you have a good day no matter what problems you may face
it's the only day you'll have before it's over.

Paghihiganti! wid d help of a rider

2009-11-24T14:35:00.001+08:00

Isang gabi, nag mo-motor ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may nakita siyang babaeng nasa itaas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal. “huwag”, sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya’y bumaba.

Lalaki: ano ba ang problema mo’t naisipan mong gawin yan?
Babae: kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko’t sumama sa ibang babae.
Lalaki: miss, ganyan din problema ko pero di ko inisip na magpakamatay.
Babae: so, ano ang gagawin natin?

(Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi….)
Lalaki: kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.
Babae: paanong paghihiganti?
Lalaki: alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin… (sabay kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ng babae and parinig na iyon sabay angkas sa kanyang naka 58.5mm chrome bore na mio nya)

Dahil naka bore up, agad silang nakarating sa motel at nangyari na ang di dapat mangyari…. Nang makaraos and lalaki, nagsindi siya ng yosi. Nang halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi ang babae:
Babae: maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya and request ng babae. Nang makaraos uli, nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati pa lang and yosi nang:
Babae: maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hilig, muling pinagbigyan si babae. Muling nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Unang hithit pa lang niya ay:
Babae: ganti uli tayo!

Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan niya ang kahilingan ng babae. Pagkatapos, kumuha siya ng yosi. Sisindihan pa lang ng biglang:
Babae: ganti uli tayo!
Lalaki: (pagod na) ta**-na! Patawarin na natin sila!!!!

Funny Animal Videos!

2009-11-24T14:32:00.001+08:00

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia

2009-11-24T14:30:00.001+08:00

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled
into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They
started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the
Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else
can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have
done today."

"You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession,"
said the sheik, then he turned to the first man and asked him what
he did for a living.

"I'm a cop," said the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then
turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a
living?"

The third man said with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Joketime 2

2009-10-20T12:08:00.003+08:00

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang…
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

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Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
‘Ikaw ba ‘yan, Dado?’ usisa ni Rodel.
‘Oo naman!’ tugon ni Dado.
‘Parang hindi totoo!’ bulalas ni Rodel. ‘O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?’
Sagot ni Dado, ‘May maganda at masama akong balita sa ‘yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon.
Ang masama… kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!’

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Different prayers of single women…
At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN.
At Age 18: Lord, give me a cute MAN.
At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN.
At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN.
At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN.
At Age 50: Lord, give me sinoMAN.
At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN.
At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN.
At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang.

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Misis: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti
pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na ‘to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa ‘yo!

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Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa…
ADVANTAGE: ‘Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: ‘Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

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What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

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Do you know INNER ROW?
What is INNER ROW?
Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow….

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Sa isang classroom…
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

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Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma’am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: ‘Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!

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Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may
katalik na lalaki sa kama .
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino ‘yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!

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Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?
Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami! Twiiiiiiiiins!

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Street Vendor : “bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!”

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GF: hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
BF: ano? isa lang ah?!
GF : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

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Couple Talking:
Wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
Husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
W : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
H : hello!? karpintero ba ako? umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. Tinanong niya wife niya kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
W: kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake…
H : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
W : hello?! baker ba ako?!

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Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano ‘yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

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“Hindi ko pa naranasan magmahal kahit minsan…” -Fishball (P.50 pa rin)

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“No matter how strong WE HOLD ON, still there comes a time that suddenly WE FALL… -Butiki (nag-emote)

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May 3 guys na nagkasala sa kanilang tribo.
Lider: magdala kayo ng 10 prutas na magkakapareho.
Unang dumating c Juan na may dalang 10 santol,
Lider: Ipasok sa kanilang puwet at kung sino ang umaray o tumawa, Patayin.
Unang Santol pa lang, umaray na si Juan, Patay! Sumunod si Pedro na may dalang 10 ubas. Kung kelan pangsampu na, saka pa tumawa. Patay!
Nagkita si Juan at Pedro sa langit.
Juan: Ligtas ka na sana sa pangsampu, bakit ka pa tumawa?
Pedro: Kasi nakita ko si berto, may dalanag 10 Durian!

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A father was trying to teach his son about the evils of alcohol.
He placed one worm in a glass of water and another, in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
Father: Alright son, what have you learned from the show?
Son: Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol hindi ka magkakabulate.

-------------------------------------------------------

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano ng walang Parachute!
Juan: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan?
Pedro: Sa burol nya!

-------------------------------------------------------

Adik: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi-gabi. Kasi lagi raw ako nanonood nang basketball.
Doc: Sige, halika may gamot ako diyan.
Adik: Huwag muna doc. Championship game na mamaya eh…

-------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Juan, give me a color that starts with letter “M” except maroon.
Juan: Hmmmmm… Maitim! Madilaw! Mamink-mink! Mukhang berde! Medyo asul!
Teacher: ****! __________________

Jollibee vs Chuckie: The Nobody Dance Showdown

2009-10-20T11:59:00.001+08:00

Love Story BHB

2009-10-20T11:27:00.002+08:00

Instructions for properly hugging a baby

2009-09-25T21:26:00.004+08:00

1. First, uh, find a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

4. The 'paw slide', Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented 'hug, smile and lean' so as to achieve the best photo.

Did'ja know?

2009-09-25T21:18:00.002+08:00

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Seems like only yesterday...

2009-09-25T21:11:00.004+08:00

BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year.......

Tweety Bird is60 years old!
And what about all our other ....
CHILDHOOD
SUPERHEROES?

SUPERMAN
Thor
Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?)
Batman and Robin
SPIDERMAN

"Life is short , break the rules , forgive sooner , love with true love , laugh without control and always keep smiling.

Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting , but in the mean time , we're here and we can still dance....."

Growing old is not for whimps.....Jock Smith & Bette Davis

batman - it's joke time 2nd season..:D

2009-08-31T15:35:00.001+08:00

A Little Laughter

2009-08-27T10:35:00.006+08:00

Bananas for Medical Uses

2009-08-18T21:29:00.005+08:00

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator! !!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at wor k leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food c ravi ngs, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing

Yep looks spell right to me

2009-08-17T22:28:00.001+08:00

Eonverye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad..

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line

Brain Exercise

2009-08-03T13:50:00.001+08:00

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

Mercury Drugstore

2009-08-03T13:47:00.002+08:00

One day, in line at the Australian Emabassy cafeteria in Manila, Dave says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery", Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Mercury Drug. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs P200....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Frequent Flier Miles".

So Dave collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Mercury. He deposits the P200 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Dave began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Dave hurried back to Mercury Drug, eager to check what would happen.

He again deposits P200, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin .

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a shabu habit.. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Very simple Mosquito trap (Dengue prevention)

2009-08-02T22:31:00.003+08:00

It's just a mix of water, brown sugar and yeast.

1. Cut a plastic bottle in half, keep both parts. Can be Coca Cola / Pepsi bottle.
2. Take the lower portion of the bottle. Dissolve the brown sugar in hot water. Let it cool down to ~70 degF.
3. Add the yeast. Carbon dioxide will form (This will attract the mosquitos)
4. Cover the bottle with a dark wrap and place the top portion upside down like a funnel. Place it in a corner in your house.
5. In 2 weeks you will be surprised by the number of mosquitos killed.

Husband of the Year Awards

2009-06-22T10:26:00.006+08:00

The honorable mention goes to:

The United Kingdom

...followed closely by The United States of America

and then ................ Poland

but 3rd Place must go to ........ Greece

it was very very close but the runner up prize was awarded to....

............. Serbia

but the winner of the husband/partner of the year ....... is ........

Ireland
Ya gotta love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics. Look, he's even holding her hand.

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy .

Long live Indian leave applications! Read it!!!

2009-06-22T10:24:00.001+08:00

If these leave applications fail to make you laugh, let me know.

Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

· >From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Breakfast at McDonald's

2009-06-22T10:21:00.002+08:00

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.

The last class I had to take was Sociology.

The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.

Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.'

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.

I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake,

literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.

It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.

We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then

even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.

As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.

As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'

His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.

The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.

He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the

restaurant were set on me, judging

my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.

I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.

He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Thank you.'

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.'

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope..'

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers.

That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.

I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it.

Then she looked up at me and said, 'Can I share this?'

I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.

In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son,the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:

UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to

LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS -

NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

There is an Angel sent to watch over you.

Winning Ad for 2008

2009-06-22T10:16:00.002+08:00

The American Association of Advertisers (AAA) proudly presents the winning ad for 2008...

21 Utos ni Bob Ong

2009-06-22T09:57:00.003+08:00

Bob Ongor Roberto Ong is the pseudonym of a Filipino contemporary author known for using conversational Filipino to create humorous and reflective depictions of life as a Filipino.
1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo.. malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na hindi mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo ung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga ung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ung bida sa script na pinili niya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan. "

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, huwag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Pakawalan mo ung mga bagay na nakakasakit sayo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo."

20. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

21. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakata kot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.

Nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the- blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."

2 Questions

2009-06-22T09:19:00.004+08:00

Life really boils down to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog....?

OR...

2. Should I have children?

Now that I made you smile, pass it on to someone else who needs a lau gh today!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today.
No matter what situations life throws at you...

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You're laughing aren't you?
That's good my job here is done!

Have a great day and give thanks......

Cats are so dramatic!!

Test for Idiocy

2009-06-22T09:06:00.003+08:00

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:

Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 ... Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
..Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't..
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:
I may have sent this one before. I! 'm never sure.
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

University Jokes

2009-05-21T12:01:00.002+08:00

MAHIRAP LAHAT

Sa UP, mahirap ang Math
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa Holy Spirit, mahirap umuwi pag may rally
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.

WHERE TO GO TO COLLEGE?

If you have a lot of brains and a little
money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money,
go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money,
go go La Salle .
If you have no money, go to PUP.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

A few days before Christmas, the
Monsignor thought it would be a
good idea if he solicited the support of
a number of schools to get together to
create a Nativity Scene in time for the
Christmas Mass. The day before
Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that
the Nativity Scene was still incomplete
so he made a few inquiries on why this
was so.

Ateneo reported it could come up with
only two and not three wise men.

La Salle reported it could not come up
with even a single wise man.

Maryknoll reported that it could not
come up with even a single virgin.

San Beda reported that it could only
come up with three wise gays.

UP reported that they killed the three
wise men.

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Q: What should an Atenean do when a La
Sallite hurls a grenade at him?
A: The Atenean should pick up the
grenade, pull the
firing pin and hurl it back at the La
Sallite.

Q: How do La Sallites count to ten?
A: One, two, three, another, another,
and another.

PASIKATAN NG GRADWEYTS

UP: A number of past Philippine
presidents graduated from UP. Presidents
Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and
Marcos, to name
just a few!

ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of
Ateneo graduates became national heroes
like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del
Pilar, Gen.Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier
and many others.

UP: That just goes to show you, UP
graduates become presidents
and lead countries while Atenean end up
getting shot!

LA SALLE : Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga
gradweyt namin!

UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga
graduates ninyo?

LA SALLE : Aba ! Marami kaming sikat na
gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong
Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario.

HOW TO IDENTIFY A LA SALLITE

A La Sallite walks into a store in Mega
Mall and says: "Miss, I'd like a green
parrot, please."

The salesgirl looks at him and asks:
"Sir, are you a La Sallite, by any chance?"

The La Sallite replies: "O... bakit mo
naman natanong 'yan? If I ordered BLUE
cheese, would you ask me if I were from
Ateneo? I
don't think so. If I bought a MAROON
shirt, would you ask me if I
were from UP? I think not. So why then,
when I want to buy a
GREEN parrot, do you ask me if I'm from
La Salle ?"

"Sir, kasi naman..." replied the
salesgirl, "this is a flower shop, eh."

A TYPICAL CONVERSATION

Two La Sallites meet on the street and
carry on a typical La Sallite conversation:

La Sallite #1: If you can tell me how
many chickens I have in this bag,I will
give you both of them.

La Sallite #2: Uh, two?

La Sallite #1: Daya mo! You peeked!

BARKADA SA HUNTING

Tatlong magkaka-barkada: a La Sallite, a
UP student, and an Atenean went on a
hunting trip. The first night, the guy
from UP comes back to the cabin with a
big deer. The others ask him how he did
it,and he coolly replies: "I saw the
tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang!
I got the deer!"

The next night, the guy from Ateneo
comes back also with a big deer. "I saw
the tracks, I followed the tracks, and
bang! I
got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.

Therefore, the La Sallite decides to try
it himself. However, the
next night, as he drags himself back to
the cabin, his two companions find him
bruised and bloody all over. "What
happened?"
they ask. "Well," replies the La
Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I
followed the tracks, and bang! A train
hit me."

A MURDER MYSTERY
(To be solved solely on the basis of pure logic)
Who committed the murder?

Suspects:
The Humble Atenean, The Bright La
Sallite, The Innocent Maryknoller, The
Unaffected Assumptionista, The UP Graduate

Culprit:
The UP Graduate

Logic:
No such thing as a Humble Atenean or a
Bright La Sallite or an Innocent
Maryknoller or an Unaffected Assumptionista.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ONE WHEN YOU SEE ONE?

In a grand ballroom party conducted by
the Philippine Society of Colleges and
Universities, the Chairman of the Board
got curious to know what particular
schools attended the big celebration.
Therefore, he checked out the house
where it was all happening. Guess whom
he found and where he found them?

UP Diliman - everybody was lined up to
the attic to have a fraternity ritual
UP Los Banos - they were in the garden
mowing the lawn
UP Manila - they were into "drugs"
Ateneo - they were inside the TV room
with a microphone chanting the "BLUE
EAGLE" spelling
La Salle - they were eavesdropping
San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans
while others were in the
bedroom with some Paulinians
St. Paul - they thought they were with
the Ateneans
Holy Spirit - Ateneans and La Sallites
want them in bed
Miriam - they were beside the room of
the Ateneans..like always
Assumption - they were inside the
bathroom three hours already since arriving
St. Scholastica - they were next in line
for the bathroom
CEU - some were doing the dishes while
others were busy with the
laundry
St. Louis - they were in front of the
air conditioner
UE - they don't know what's an air
conditioner
UST - they were everywhere
FEU - they were nowhere
MLQU - sob! They were not invited
San Sebastian - How the hell did they
pass by security?
Letran - the Security
Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the
roof
TIP - they were the ones who created the
leak
NU - they were outside the house selling
cigarettes
JRC - they were the ones buying
Adamson - went to Luneta instead
Sta. Isabel - they were Adamson's dates
CRC - what the hell is this party for?
PSBA - what the hell is CRC?
NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?
AMA - they were parading with Jolina posters

Suicide Sandwhich

There were three friends: an Atenean, a
La Sallite, and a UP student (so you
know this story is fictional). Anyway,
everyday,
they met for lunch and ate their sandwiches.

UP: Putek! Peanut butter sandwich na
naman? Sawang-sawa na ako dito ah. Pag
bukas, peanut butter sandwich na
namanang baon
ko, magpapatiwakal na ako.

Ateneo: Darn! Roast beef sandwich again.
I am sick of this already. If I get
another roast beef sandwich again
tomorrow, I! am gonna shoot myself.

La Salle : Oh my gosh, grabe! Ham
sandwich is my baon again. I am so sawa
with this sandwich na, ha? If my baon
tomorrow is ham sandwich again. I am
gonna drive my CRV over the cliff.

The next morning, they again met for
lunch, and, alas, they had
the same sandwiches again. The UP
student went back to his dorm,
pulled out a belt and choked himself to
death.

The Atenean went home, got a gun, and
shot himself in the head.

The La Sallite drove his CRV off a cliff.

During their funeral, their mothers were
interviewed:

UP: Kung sinabi niya lang sa akin na
ayaw niya na nang peanut butter
sandwich, eh di sana hindi na yun yung
pinabaon ko sa kanya.

Ateneo: If he had told me that he did
not want roast beef anymore, I wouldn't
have prepared him roast beef.

La Salle : Hindi ko maintindihan kung
bakit siya nagpakamatay, eh
siya naman yung gumagawa ng sarili
niyang sandwich.

Enjoy

Morning Sex

2009-05-21T11:55:00.002+08:00

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy".

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son To take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, He asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son To "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The noteread:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

10 Scientific Reasons to Have Sex

2009-05-21T11:50:00.001+08:00

1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don’t need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restrict blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a national antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

When a Woman Lies

2009-04-24T20:15:00.004+08:00

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked .

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

hen if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

Male And Female Brain

2009-04-06T21:23:00.001+08:00

Needless to say, the Male brain.

Matinding pagnanasa

2009-04-06T21:22:00.002+08:00

Si Juan ay nag-Saudi at naisipang takasan ang kalupitan ng kanyang mga Amo. Sa kagipitan, ipinasya niyang tawirin ang disyerto at humanap ng magandang kapalaran sa kalapit na bansa.

Sa kanyang konting ipon, bumili siya ng Camel at gamit sa paglalakbay at dahil di niya alam paluhurin ang Camel para sakyan, nagdala na rin siya ng hagdanan.

Ikatlong araw sa paglalakbay sinumpong si Juan
ng matinding pangangailangan. Sawa na siyang magparaos sa pamamagitan ng kanyang kamay kaya ipinasya niyang pagparausan ang Camel (total
nasa gitna siya ng disyerto at wala namang makakakita sa kanya).

Dahil mataas ang Camel, gumamit siya ng hagdan, ngunit sa tuwing tatangkain niyang 'ipasok' nakikiliti and Camel at humamakbang kaya si Juan ay nahuhulog. Ganoon ng ganoon hanggang sa magsawa si Juan sa pagtatangka at ipinasya niyang magpatuloy sa paglalakbay. Ganoon pa man, hindi matanggal ang kanyang pagnanasa na makaraos sa kanyang pangangailangan.

Ika-limang araw sa paglalakbay ng makakakita siya ng napaka-gandang Pinay na hinahabol ng mga Arabyano.

"Tulungan niyo po ako" ang sigaw ng Pinay, "gusto nila akong pagsamantalahan at patayin."

Pinagtitirador ni Juan ang mga humahabol at iniligtas ang kababayang Pinay. Ang Pinay nagpapasalamat.

"Salamat po at iniligtas ninyo ako, utang ko sa inyo ang aking buhay, at gagawin ko po ang kahit na ano bilang pasasalamat."

"Talaga?", ang tanong ni Juan.

"Opo, kahit po ano gagawin ko para sa inyo".

"Talaga, kahit na ano?", paniguradong tanong ni Juan na tumutulo na ang laway sa pagnanasa.

"Opo, kahit po ano".

"Kung ganoon, PLEASE !! PAKI NGA HAWAKAN ANG CAMEL".

Sa Mental

2009-04-06T21:20:00.003+08:00

Test kung may sayad ka

Si Juan ay bumisita sa isang mental hospital at siya'y nag-usisa para sa kanyang school assignment.

Juan: Papaano nyo po ba nalalaman kung talagang me sayad ang pasyenteng dinadala sa dito?

Doktor: Ganito yun. Pinupuno namin ng tubig ang isang bath tub. Tapos, iaabot namin sa pasyente ang kutsara, tasa at balde at uutusan namin siyang tanggalin nya ang tubig sa bathtub. Titingnan namin ngayon kung ano ang gagamitin niya sa tatlo.

Juan: Magaling, siguradong pipiliin ng normal na tao ang balde para mabilis na maubos ang tubig!

Doktor: Mali! Kapag normal ang isang tao, tatanggalin lang niya ang plug (yung tapon na nakabara sa butas) ng bathtub!

kaw namili ka sa tatlo ano?

**********************************************************************

Magaling na nga

Ine-examin nung Doktor yung isang pasyente sa Mental Hospital sa pamamagitan ng tanong at sagot. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong unang gagawin?"

Sagot nung pasyente, "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!"

Wika nung Doktor, "Ikaw ay hindi pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin ulit kita sa paglipas ng anim na buwan."

Pagkaraan ng anim na buwan, muling inexamin nung Doktor yung pasyente. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong gagawin?"

Sagot ng pasyente. "Doktor, ako'y magaling na.
Pagkalabas ko po sa ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho upang mamuhay ng mag-isa."

Muling nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagnakahanap ka ng trabaho, ano ang iyong gagawin?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, ako po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede kong makakapiling na pang habang buhay."

Gulat ang Doktor! Mukhang matino na ang kaniyang pasyente!

Muli pang nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagkatapos niyong makasal, ano ang iyong gagawin?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!"

Bilib na naman ang Doktor. Tanong ulit ng Doktor, "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa inyong hanimun?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng aking bagong asawa."

"Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor.

"Pagkatapos...", sabi ng pasyente, "huhubarin ko ang kaniyang bra at panty".

"Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor.

"Pagkatapos..." sabi ng pasyente, "kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!"

A True Friend..

2009-04-06T21:17:00.001+08:00

John decided to go road tripping with his buddy, Peter. So they loaded up their
bikes and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible thunder storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come
morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of riding.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on their road trip weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Peter and asked, "Peter, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our road trip holiday up north
about 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Peter

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Peter said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Peter's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

Si Pedro, Juan, at Berting!

2009-04-06T21:16:00.002+08:00

Si Juan, Pedro at Berting ay wanted nang NPA...

hinabol sila nang isang NPA officer at napilitan silang magtago sa mga sako sa isang bodega nang kamote...

NPA: san na kaya sila?! *lumingon sa paligid
~nakita ung sako 1~

NPA: hmm... baka nagtatago lang ung mga un dito..
~sinipa ung sako 1~

Sako 1(Juan): Meow! MeoooowWww!

NPA: pusa lang pala... e, e2 kaya...
~sinipa ung sako 2~

Sako 2(Pedro): Arf! arrrRRrfFF!

NPA: aso lang pala...
~sinipa ung sako 3~

Sako 3(Berting): ...
~tahimik, Walang reaksyon~

NPA:~sinipa ulet ung sako~

Sako 3(Berting): ...
~wala ulet reaksyon~

NPA:~sinipa pa nang sinipa ung sako~

Sako 3(Berting): hOy! Kamote ako, Wala akong Soundz!

4 Adults Onli

2009-04-06T21:14:00.001+08:00

SA MAY KANTO.

LASING: Miss ang panget mo!
BABAE: Kapal ng mukha mo! Ikaw naman LASENGGO!
LASING: Haler? Bukas di na ako lasing, ikaw bukas panget pa rin!..
Wahahahahaha.....

***

ANAK: Dad I'm fifteen na, pwede na ba ako mag BRA?
DAD: Di pwede!
ANAK: But dad, all my friends wear bra na..
DAD: Tigilan mo ako RENATO!!! Baka pisain ko itlog mo!!

***

HUSBAND: Pagkamatay ko ipamamana ko sayo 50 hectares ng lupa't bahay at 350 million sa bank. Ano pa mahihiling mo?
WIFE: Gusto ko mamatay ka na. Now na!

***

NENE: Inay, pinatambling ako kanina sa school!
INAY: Gaga! Gusto lang nila Makita panty mo!
NENE: Alam ko! Kaya nga tinago ko sa bag yung panty ko eh!!..

***

MAY ISANG MANOK NA UBOD NG LIBOG.. SA FARM LAHAT PINAPATOS.. BABOY, BIBE, KAMBING, PATI BAKA!!!
KAYA SABI NG MGA HAYOP SA MANOK: Naku manok, mangisay ka sana sa sobrang libog mo!
ISANG ARAW NAKITA NG MGA HAYUP SI MANOK, NAKAHANDUSAY SA LUPA, NANGINGISAY.

HAYUP: Buti nga sayo! Mamatay ka sa libog!
MANOK: Mga Ulul! Antay nyo ako... Pagkatapos ko dito sa langgam, yari kayo sa akin!!

***

Dati ang gamot sa sakit ng ulo ay
KISPIRIN AT YAKAPSUL..
Ngayon hindi na daw uso yun?
Ano na uso?
BIOGESEX!

Pwedeng gawin kahit walang laman ang tiyan...
Wahahahaha...

***

ANG TANGANG SI JR:

CALOY: Pare,napakatanga ng mrs.. ko! Isipin mo bumili ng load wala naman kaming cellphone?
BEN: Mas tanga mrs. ko!! Biruin mo, bumili ng printer wala naman kaming computer....
JR: Wala ng mas tatanga sa mrs.. ko mga pare!!! Akalain nyo, tuwing aalis sya, laging nagdadala ngcondom, ala naman syang ****! Wahahaha...

***
NGONGO AND WIFE (MAKING LOVE)...

NGONGO: Muk'a mo mapute!
WIFE: Di naman, ah.
NGONGO: Muk'a mo mapute!
WIFE: Di nga sabi mapute eh!
NGONGO: (shouting) Ang abi ko, MUK'A MO MAPUTE!!!
(Anak Nagising...)
ANAK: Ma, ang sabi ni papa... IBUKA MO MABUTE!
Naman oh, istorbo...! HUmmppp!!!!

***

LOLA: Iho, tulungan mo ko isa akong prinsesa, ako'y isinumpa. Kung
Ako'y iyong gagahasain, babalik ako sa maganda kong anyo at Tuluyan ng mapuputol ang sumpa.

MAKARAAN ANG ILANG SAGLIT..

BINATA: Yan, tapos na! Bakit di ka pa nagpapalit ng anyo?
LOLA: Ilan taon ka na, iho?
BINATA: 28 po.
LOLA: Yan tanda mong yan naniniwala kappa sa FAIRYTALES?

Jokes sa panahon ng Krisis Pinansyal

2009-04-06T21:11:00.001+08:00

Pare01: "Pare, mahirap na ang buhay ngayon. Sa katunayan, nagbenta na kami ng mga kagamitan sa bahay na di naman namin ikamamatay kung mawala man. Tuloy kapag oras na ng kainan, nagkakamay nalang kami. Wala ng kutsara, tinidor, kutsilyo."

Pare02: "Ganun talaga kapag panahon ng krisis. May mga kailangang isakripisyo. Sa katunayan, mula nang nawalan kami ng trabaho ni Misis, dun pa kami nagsimulang gumamit ng kutsara tuwing oras ng pagkain."

Pare01: Ano kamo? Kung kelan kayo nawalan ng trabaho, dun pa kayo nagsimulang gumamit ng kutsara kapag kumakain? Niloloko mo ba ako? Samantalang kami eh, nagkakamay nalang kasi nga sa sobrang hirap ng buhay, naibenta na namin ang mga kasangkapan pati kutsara, tinidor at kutsilyo."

Pare02: Sige nga kamayin mo ang lugaw!!!!"

==========================================================

In addition sa reigning categories ng Binibining Pilipinas contest. [Aside from Binibining Pilipinas World, Binibining Pilipinas International, Binibining Pilipinas Universe, Binibining Pilipinas Earth] meron na po tayong: "Binibining Pilipinas Global Economic Crisis!"

Emcee: "Lets call on Candidate no. 1. Ms. Barakus Obamus!!!!"

Audience: clap!- clap! - clap!

Emcee: "Welcome Ms. Candidate no. 1. How are you?"

Ms. Barakus Obamus: "I am fine thank you.

Emcee: "Candidate no. 1, here is your question. What can you contribute to lessen the effects of global economic crisis which is now affecting major parts of our planet?"

Ms. Barakus Obamus: "Sir, before anything else, I would like to explain what is meant by economic crisis. Economic crisis is defined as a higher level of an emergency where the available and perceived resources have reached an alarming level leading to the abrupt interruption of the normal flow of goods and services intended to the defined recipients, normally the people or what we call the consumers. Aside from this, the cash flow and GDP of the country comes to a stale point and no amount of alternatives can immediately bring about the smooth and healthy recovery of the country's financial status.

Emcee: "Wow.. ang galing ni Candidate no. 1. That is very informative. But I am afraid it is different from Global Economic Crisis?"

Ms. Barakus Obamus: "Well.... global economic crisis simply means the multiple effect felt by interdependent countries causing a successive chain reaction in their financial, economic and infrastructural growth. Its an international phenomenon where almost all affected countries encounter massive lay offs, project stoppage, multiple industry shutdowns and consumer pains. Thats all thank you."

Audience: clap! - clap! - clap! - clap! - clap!

Emcee: "Wow... again Ms. Barakus Obamus, I am amazed by your in-depth knowledge of the subject matter. But unfortunately, you have'nt answered the question given to you. So, let me ask you again. What can you contribute to lessen the effects of global economic crisis which is now affecting major parts of our planet?"

Ms. Barakus Obamus: "Ahh... err... well.... I really dont know. thank you!"

Mister Dagohoy

2009-04-06T21:10:00.001+08:00

It was the first day of school in Washington, DC and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher began, "Let's review some American history, class. Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy's who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good," said the teacher.

"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Dagohoy: "Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863," he said..

The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do.

The teacher hears a loud whisper from the back: "Screw the Filipinos."
"Who said that?" she demanded.

Dagohoy put his hand up. "General John Pershing, Manila, 1896."

At that point, Jack, another student says, "I'm going to puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
Again Dagohoy answers, "George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991."

Now, furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!!"
Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!"

Someone shouts, "You little **** if you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Dagohoy yells, "Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!"

The teacher faints.

"I'm outta here!" mutters one student as he slides to the door. "President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30, 2002!!" Dagohoy responds.

As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, "Oh ****, now we're really in big trouble!"
"Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Bhagdad, May 2003!" Dagohoy bellowed.

"Now, I really have to run," Jack mutters, heading for the exit..,
"Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!" Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.

BIG BIKE!

2009-03-09T21:19:00.003+08:00

The fuel injected, 45 degree 6728 cc / 410 cubic inch V-Twin runs through a 3 speed transmission with reverse and actually looks pretty good in its finished state compared to the initial photos, in fact, everything looks good. It puts out 523 foot pounds of torque. Seat height is 31.5 inches and overall length is 136 inches. It is a little heavy at 1433 pounds so high speed corner carving might be an issue and there aren’t any photos of the big bike on the road so I guess we’ll have to wait for the road test, that is if someone can actually road test this monster. Especially in light of the Jesse James and JRL Cycles radial engine bikes, using the relatively small Rotec engine, the Leonhardt bike instead uses two cylinders from an old 9 cylinder radial aero engine, the very large variety, which gives you a 350 horsepower, fuel injected, 6728 cc / 410 cubic inch monster V-Twin. It has a 3 speed transmission with reverse. The motorcycle’s overall length is 134 inches and weight is 870 pounds. Seat height is only 31.5 inches, pretty reasonable and lower than some production bikes out there. Speed will be electronically limited to 155 mph.

No sex since 1955

2009-03-09T21:17:00.001+08:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time)

The prisoner

2009-03-09T21:16:00.003+08:00

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story) and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too."

I bet you cant do this, absolutely!

2009-03-09T21:14:00.001+08:00

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true.
I guess there are some things that the brain
cannot handle.

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.
I coul not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon..... .......
This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwisecircles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing
you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before
the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not alreadydone so.

A Little Guy

2009-03-09T21:12:00.001+08:00

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right." "I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me."

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

Sardar's Flat Screen TV

2009-03-09T20:59:00.001+08:00

A Small Story

2009-02-09T18:34:00.001+08:00

A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed.

The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.

That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.

Moral of the story: If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, you'll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent.. This is applicable for any relationship like love, friendship, employer-employee relationship etc., Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully "

"Its Nice To Be an important Person . But, It is more Important to be a Nice Person."